Honestly, you can't move around here for former actors. As if it wasn't enough to have Allan Love talking pollocks, refusing to know his plaice, thinking the world is his oyster, flexing his mussels, baring his sole, and giving a cod performance on Channel 4 last night, I now have to contend with the cashier at the bank trying to land a part in my next play.

I've just been down the road to pay in my vast royalty cheque from last Saturday night (which I'd be willing to declare to the Jobcentre if only it was vast enough to cover the bus fare), where I was served by the usual friendly cashier who looks a bit like David Dickinson, only browner and less manly. Unfortunately, having handed him a cheque printed with the words 'East Bergholt Dramatic Society', his little eyes lit up and he said "East Bergholt? That's in Suffolk, isn't it?".

I said "Yes". Which was my first mistake. My second mistake was to feign interest when he started talking about the roots of his theatrical career in Felixstowe. True, it only encouraged him, but it's hard to walk away when there's a glass barrier between you and your paying-in book, and frankly you don't want to get on the wrong side of a man who has access to your PIN number.

Anyhoo, to cut a long showbusiness anecdote short, it turns out he was the understudy for Oliver in one of the original 1960s productions, and spent many a happy evening in Suffolk watching his Mum being killed on a nightly basis. She was the actress playing Nancy.

He finished by asking if there was anything he could do for me (star in a play, for example), before adding "Well, you know where we are if you need us". I smiled and nodded, whilst making a mental note to try Northern Rock in future, before making my way out past the long queue of impatient customers who'd been just forced to endure an impromptu episode of 'This Is Your Life'.

But on the bright side, having banked all that money, I was able to head straight to Lidl, where I found this incredible bargain...


£1.99!!! That's my Dad's Christmas present sorted. I'd buy one for myself, but I don't need to spend money to look stupid.