I was in the Alzheimer's Society shop yesterday (I forget exactly where it is), when I came across a pair of David Bitton jeans. Yes, David Bitton jeans. If, like me, you have your finger on the nub of fashion, you'll know that David Bitton jeans are worn by the likes of Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Christina Aguilera, Halle Berry and, of course, Steve Brookstein on the X Factor. So they're only worn by successful people. And Steve Brookstein.

According to the man himself (Bitton, not Brookstein), "The David Bitton look is young, sexy, fun and more importantly butt-lifting". So no ifs, no butts, they're the jeans for me. Especially when they're only six quid in a charity shop. On top of that, each pair is apparently "individually numbered and personalised with only 600 pieces per style produced worldwide". I think mine are number 36. Or possibly that's the waist measurement.

Anyhoo, needless to say I bought them, thereby simultaneously becoming a style icon and tackling the problem of senile dementia. They're actually a bit big for me, but (or should that be 'butt'?) it means I can wear them on Boxing Day and well into the New Year.

What it also means, of course, is that I could be the subject of a tabloid exposé at any time. When my fellow twig-thin icon of style, Victoria Beckham, bought a bit o' Bitton last year, it made all the papers. So at the very least I should command a couple of lines in The Argus. And let's face it, she and I have so much in common. Here we both are in our David Bitton jeans...


                     Posh Spice                                        Fat Spice

Our bags are actually the same size, it's just that she's a lot smaller than I am. It's remarkable how similar our cars are though. They both have four wheels for a start.

Anyway, I know that's a front view, so it might not be obvious, but trust me, my butt is lifted higher than my handbag.