I think there's been a shift of power in this city. Less than nine months ago I held such sway with local politicians that I only had to mention my hatred of street trees once on this blog, and a team of surgeons was instantly dispatched to remove the unsightly growths from the face of the earth. Or maybe that was just coincidence. But having lobbied Brighton's first lady in Asda, I don't think I'd be barking up the wrong tree to say that I have a number of city councillors in my pocket.

Unfortunately there must be a hole in that pocket, because something's gone horribly wrong...


They've planted new ones. I used to have a few wood chips on my hard shoulder, now I've got more of a trunk road.

Until July of last year, there were three trees outside my flat, providing ample roosting space for any passing bird that wished to defecate on my car windscreen. Two of those were felled in time for my birthday, with the third marked for demolition shortly afterwards. Unfortunately, as the photo above proves, it's still there. That's because everyone ignored the 'No Parking' signs on the designated day, and the lumberjacks couldn't get near it. They had to settle for rebuilding the kerb instead.

Which is the point of this whole thing. The roots of the trees expand, disrupt the pavement and ruin the kerb, so the council have to pay to have the trees removed, the pavement resurfaced and the kerb rebuilt. Making one wonder why they they've now paid to have more trees planted, thus ensuring that they have to do the same thing all over again in a few years time. I can only assume it's some kind of government initiative to keep people in work.

But still, the big black square of tarmac next to the wonky kerb where the last tree used to stand does add a certain je ne sais quoi to the picture above. It's like they're turning my street into a chessboard.

Anyhoo, I don't know who's responsible for this outrage, but my money's on either David Van Day or the Lib Dems. If not, then it's probably the government's attempt to offset enough carbon to power all the red traffic lights that David Cameron cycles through. But whoever's to blame, I think I know just the people to sort it out...

That's my current MP, Des Turner, in the Martin Bell suit, with Labour's next candidate for Brighton Kemptown, Simon Burgess. I like the way they both bought outfits to match their hair. Although if Warren Morgan did the same, he'd have to go out naked. Anyway, Simon is due to battle it out with the Conservatives at the next election, because after eleven years as an MP, Des has decided to stand down. I'm not sure what his reasons are, but for the last three years he's been Chairman of the House of Commons All-Party Myalgic Encephalomyelitis Group, so he's probably a bit tired.

I just wish that having said he's getting behind Simon on the campaign trail, Des hadn't proved it by posing on a tandem. They look like a two-man version of The Goodies. But still, having watched him chase Sally Gunnell along the seafront four weeks ago, Simon's definitely got my vote. All I need to do now is bump into him in Asda.