New for 2009, from the people who brought you the singing cat, it's... the silent cow!


It's the perfect gift, because Amelie's life revolves around milk. And sure enough, thirty seconds after taking that photo, she was grabbing the bull by the horns and trying to suck its udders.

Well, its feet. She's not so much on the breast as on the hoof.

Anyhoo, last night's foray into fine dining was, naturally, a complete success. It's amazing what you can do with a bit of dried pasta and some shop-bought garlic bread. Especially when everyone's distracted by the cow on the sofa. And I don't mean Lisa.

I'd invited our pals S & A (last seen in my living room four weeks ago) to pop around for an evening of culture at 6pm, so I was naturally delighted to receive a phone call at 5pm to say they'd had a power cut and couldn't see to do their hair. Frankly it's a miracle they could find the phone. So I took it for granted that they'd be late, turned the heat down on my tinned tomatoes, and didn't bother to get changed. Making it all the more exciting when they turned up early at five to six. I expect it was all just a ruse to catch me in my Farmyard Friends apron.

But you can't complain when your guests bring you gifts. Last time it was a yule log and singing cat; this time chocolates and a cow. If we keep inviting them round, we'll be surrounded by animals and too fat to move. As for Amelie, she greeted them with a smile, then burst into tears and had to be locked in the bedroom. Which at least gave Chloe the chance for a bit of attention. Frankly she had so many strokes it's a miracle the blood's still flowing to her brain.

Anyhoo, we had an enjoyable evening eating carbohydrates and discussing Gary Glitter, The Village People, Spice Girls and Dolly Parton, before settling down to watch Mamma Mia. And may I say I loved it. It's a good job I'm a man's man, otherwise people might think I'm a bit camp.